About the EP
This EP was very personal.
I had recently finished the Family Tree project. My personal life had been upended in a way I never could have imagined. And I was thinking a lot about cycles. About how we start living in loops and patterns if we aren't careful. Some of these patterns are small, tiny binge and purge cycles, while others are generational. We can start doing the very things that were done to us, behaviors that we detested on the receiving end, and rationalize it as just a part of life.
I actively decided to break mine. That I would not be another rotation of the wheel I was born into. I wrote this set with that concept in mind.
The EP is itself a loop. The double consonants in the title are a nod to repetition. But there's one small, important detail in the end. While the EP closes with the same melody it begins with, the key is different. It's higher. Wheels are rarely broken with a single action. And that's okay. All new paths are built by small steps in a new direction.
I used to roll my eyes at phrases like those, but I see the wisdom in them now.
Sunn
Before change can happen, you have to observe what needs updating.
This song is about taking stock of my situation, and how sad the process was.
I used to have mixed feelings about being a gay man, that my genes would die with me. But after a hard look at where I came from, I wrote in one of my notebooks, "Some dead ends are for the best." When you carry things in you that you'd never want to recreate, perhaps there's some honor in taking those possibilities down with you. I know that genes are nowhere near that simple, and that we don't foreshadow nearly as much as we like to think, but it's how I felt at the time. So that became the central line for this song. I built the rest of the track around it.
Production-wise, after eight years of working on the Family Tree project, I was very happy to work with a different pallet. I never intended for that project to consume so much time, but I had a lot to say. So it goes. I also wanted this EP to be short. Something you could listen to in a single sitting. So I settled on three songs, and no more than twenty minutes, as the rule.
Sunn
I watched the sunlight cross the furniture
And I didn't flinch when it all got burned away
And while in the middle of those fires
I always found myself with nothing much to say
And I used to wish my blood would travel
Then my genetic line, it wouldn't end with me
But in the light of all that's built me
I see that some dead ends are probably for the best
Well, come find these thoughts and pull them out of me
'Cause they're nothing I have asked for
Sometimes when sleep becomes your enemy
It feels better to dream while the sun is accounted for
I sang the song that I swore I would
Until my voice was gone
Now I'm just listening
While the sunlight cuts its name in my skin
And I left my ghost along the shore
To find a port to harbor me
But I ain't so young
To believe a home is ever very permanent
So save yourself a little breath
We don't often change what we're scared of
We just paint the scars
And pretend they were never there
You can save yourself a second guess
When it's all a cycle
Well, come find these thoughts and pull them out of me
'Cause they're nothing I have asked for
Sometimes when sleep becomes your enemy
It feels better to dream while the sun is accounted for
'Cause I only wanna let this go
Moon
The next part of the cycle, and observing what aspects of the wheel must be broken.
I have always been a night owl. Even as a kid. If I'm not careful, my sleep schedule will slip later and later. Insomnia only adds to it. But I have always used my night hours creatively. I often work on my ideas when the world is asleep. I love the lack of distractions.
This track is about that clarity I sometimes get at night, and how under those moonlit hours, I could see my situation even more clearly. And I knew what parts of the cycle I needed to break.
Moon
No sleep, there is no comfort in the pillow
My mind starts drifting through the woods
Climb up the moonlight, ground beneath me
'til I find myself all wrapped up in the fog above the world
And up here, those walls will never reach me
I am not bound by where I'm from
I'm not awake, I am not sleeping as I walk along
The in-between of everything come and gone
I watch myself there as a little one
And wonder why they could never hear me
I watch them hold me down beneath their calloused thumbs
To hide their fears deep down inside me
There is no son, there is no daughter
There's only arms they've never named
You are not you, you are a mirror
You only work when you're the same
But up here, the walls no longer reach me
I am not bound by where I'm from
I'm not awake, I am not sleeping as I walk along
The in-between of everything
Eclippse
A key to moving forwards is letting go of what you no longer need to carry.
The final song of this set is about finally seeing the bigger picture, and accepting it for what it is. You can't save everything. And it's okay. Loss is baked into the very system. But so is love, growth, and beauty.
Break the wheel, take a breath, and then build yourself a new one with everything you've learned.
Eclippse
Head above water
Now the waves have some space in between
And I can see the words up above me
Were just some trite advice that said: "Remember to breathe"
Well, I guess you got what you're after
If you're after a life on your knees
Everyone just wants to be blameless
To have a place to point, to say, "It wasn't me"
And then we rinse and repeat
Afraid to stay and scared to go
Until I found a road where nobody knew me
And my name was just a word that tasted strange
And I finally got to pick what it meant
Take a breath
Clean yourself in the river of time
'Cause somewhere the sky's always falling
And sometimes it's just your turn
Let it go
Let it go
Let it go
Let it go
So now you know the hell
Of wondering if a change is gonna come
It don't mean much
Don't hold your breath
They will just have to save themselves this time
But you?
You will be just fine
